Hi all

the other day we celebrated Izzuwan's birthday. Me, Nani, Izzuwan and Farid went to Carousel where izzuwan blanjaed us dinner. very nice. yum yum. izzuwan is cool. and then Nuraini joined us after dinner and we proceeded to go karaoke where Hanom joined us. it was really fun and nice but soooo tiring. actually we were soo damn freaking full after the dinner buffet we didn't feel like singing. but we went anyway. haha. strange place though. anyway here are the karaoke pics. :)




( click for many more pictures! )


love my friends. lovely people. ok la but not everyone from that night i love la. obviously. hahahahaha. ahem. anyway. slamat hari raya haji!!

this song is so damn nice.

life is stagnant without you around.

Gabriel says (12:11 AM):
i don't get how google wave works
Ness says (12:12 AM):
god me neither

---

Gabriel says (12:13 AM):
do you see what i wrote?
Ness says (12:13 AM):
shit how do i even open it
Gabriel says (12:13 AM):
HAHAHAHA
Gabriel says (12:13 AM):
this is hilarious
Gabriel says (12:13 AM):
so much for user friendliness and intuition
Ness says (12:14 AM):
if only google can see this conversation for feedback
Ness says (12:14 AM):
oh did you watch the ~8min~ video
Ness says (12:14 AM):
i didnt
Ness says (12:14 AM):
HAHA
Gabriel says (12:14 AM):
no
Gabriel says (12:14 AM):
hahhaa
Gabriel says (12:14 AM):
i was all like "meh, how hard can it be?"
Ness says (12:15 AM):
yeah it looks easy. i just dont know what to do with it
Gabriel says (12:15 AM):
YEAH
Gabriel says (12:15 AM):
like i don't know what it actually exactly does

---

Ness says (12:16 AM):
i didnt get any wave
Gabriel says (12:16 AM):
whattttttt
Ness says (12:16 AM):
is it supposed to show up on my inbox
Gabriel says (12:16 AM):
no idea
Gabriel says (12:16 AM):
i clicked on your picture under contacts and hten clicked on "new wave"

---

Gabriel says (12:22 AM):
ok i'm watching teh stupid video
Gabriel says (12:23 AM):
OMG WE'RE OLD
Gabriel says (12:23 AM):
we can't understand it like immediately
Ness says (12:23 AM):
HAHAHA
Ness says (12:23 AM):
this is sad
Ness says (12:23 AM):
i bet a 9 yr old can get it faster

there never was regret at how things turn out now.
regret is on how i let things become.

old entries put up,
just because.

let's exorcise the demons of the past.
cos 2010 is coming.

few more old entries coming up.

soon.

and the ultimate.
one.

those who knows,
will.

:)

10 mar 2005

about that 'divorce'... (be warned. long entry.)
i actually typed out an entry about it... but then i put it under private. the whole scene was chaotic and i dun wish to relive it in words. it wasn't a third party. it was just two people with similar interest but different... i dunnoe. just two different people. with support from family and friends i managed to pull thru. he told me that people who begin their marriage with a rocky start may end up happy in the long run... i told him that this few years are the time we get to know each other better. (being away for 2 years and all...) but then it just seem to fall apart. patience just wore thin.

friends and family all had something to say. stay fah. leave fah. he's not worth it. fight for your love. bla bla bla. his friends told me to be patient as this may be part of the trials of pregnancy. that was what his aunt told me too. but there is such a thing as limit. a friend whom i am not so close to told me this: if i were u, i will be strong till the time when i don't need to hear anyone's opinions anymore. that very night, in my prayers, again i asked for peace of mind and the strength to pull thru from Him. i didn't ask for an ease of the burden but i do acknowledge that he is merely testing His hamba... that day on, the 'numbness' that i felt grew intense. i was like a walking zombie. i avoided feelings and emotions.

i carried on with my daily housework. during my holidays, i went out with friends, carried on with life that i thought i have lost due to marriage. and when work started again in january... begin another set of routine. waking up early to prepare breakfast. coming home from work and do the laundry and cook and all. all this done without acknowledging him. i talk to him only when necessary. too much angst and disappointment.

i stayed over at my parents' occassionally. but my mind was always with him. wondering if he is okay and all. then one day i just felt, why bother when he doesn't. i concentrated on my pregnancy. told him that i have to gain more weight and so he should not stress me out anymore. kept on telling him that 'if u dun care about me, i can' be bothered. just let my last trimester be easy so that insya-Allah i will have an easy delivery.'

he usually will say how much he enjoyed being home alone just to spite me. then,
one night, he called and i was busy. so i just told him i am staying at yew tee and wanted to end the conversation. then he said. 'wait. dek. i saw tompok.' (tompok is our kitten. we let she and putih go on 20 dec... and didn't see them anymore after that) told him good for him. he brought tompok bak to our flat and he msged me how he pity the kitten and yadayadayada...
the next day, after work, i went to my flat in amk to do some housework. left the flat at about 8. his curfew then was at 9. so i had to do a fastgame job so that i dun bump into him.
when i was at my void deck, about to head to cck... i saw a resident feeding the cats. tompok, one of them. talked to the uncle. i messaged him, telling him not to worry about tompok's feeds as 'cat uncle' feed her. and putih was nowhere to be seen. that sparked his curiosity as to how i know, cos i have been at yew tee for quite some time. and at night when he called me: adek balik amk, abis tu adek pegi yew tee?
me: yeah. just did the laundry atu jalan lar.

after that day, started the messages on how he was confused and didn't know what he want. i told him to think for himself. by that time... i couldn't be bothered if he wants to leave. yes. he could leave for all i care. it would hurt. of course. but hey, hearts will heal. people come. people go. if it's meant to be. it's meant to be. we were separated before... came a day when he messaged his 'state of confusion' again and i told him: make ur mind up by tonight.

that was when he called his mom at night to say that he will leave after my delivery and stay with her again. he called his friend to ask about divorce procedures. i was next to him for all his phone conversations, smiling and massaging his feet. why the ignorance? cos i told him somewhere in december after our fight: time kau dulu dah nak pisah, aku kata okay. asalkan kau tetap tanggung anak kau. aku tak boleh pisahkan anak dgn bapak. and i wil alwys support u in everything that you do.
his response was a 'thanks'. arafah always give in...
after he has ended all his phone calls that night... i cried and just said 'sampai hati'. and he told me that i asked for it, since i wanted an answer by that night.
can u blame me? i haf got enough emotional turmoil from him. one day it's 'i will stay cos i love u'. the next day, 'i will stay cos of my so'n. and another day, 'i will stay to give u face'. sheesh.
somehow or another he just became 'nicer'.

we didn't celebrate our anniversary nor did we do our 2001 anniversary. those days mattered to me tho i didn't let it show. his mother, my mother-in-law made a radio dedication on Warna on our wedding anniversary. sheesh.

i dun remember when or how or why. but he just became a whole lot nicer and said he wun leave me. he realised that he'd be on the losing end and he had been very bad to me. each time such topics came up, i just ignored and change to another neutral point of conversation.

we fought less. simply becos. as i said. i couldn't and wouldn't care. i still entertain his frens when they come over. but they are sure 'shy' of me. i carried on with praying to be given strength to endure all that he put me through.

as the day when he was to be a free man approaches (it was sooner than expected), tears just flowed while i was having dinner. he was in the room. so he didn't catch my emo moment. after i did the dishes and quickly washed and dried my eyes, he came to me and saw my bloodshot eyes. 'asal adek sedih2 nie? la...' and as he hugged me i said: i am happy and thankful that your tag will finally end. nanti kita makin jauh eh bang?
he hugged me even tighter and said 'abang takkan tinggalkan adek lar. abang sayang adek tau'. somehow or another... i was skeptical.

it just so happen that, in the morning when i experienced labour pains, both of us were at home. so i did 'keep my promise' to let him be in the labour ward. initially i wanted to go thru it alone. i didn't want him in anyway involved in ikhsan's entry to the world. but at the same time i wanted him there. so Allah did his thing again, and yes he was around with me and saw and heard me scream. he was there to witness the miracle of seeing a baby being born into the world. his baby. and that night, when he was back home and i was still in my hospital ward, he called me and said that he loved me. (tho i heard it many times before.) and recently, he said thanks for giving him another chance to think things thru.

and all i said was... things happen for a reason.

right now, i still dunnnoe what the reason was. maybe it was to display his true colours to my dad, bro and his aunt and uncle who are in the dark about his character. maybe it was for me to realize that he never was the one. maybe it was an opportunity for me to let out pent up anger about his treatment and his family's treatment of me when he was not around. whatver the reason may be... i have yet found true happiness in this marriage. and my house is yet to be called a home. but alhamdulilah that i have a healthy son, and that is all that i have out of this marriage should it fail along the way again...

but meantime, i wun ask for happiness from Him. cos i know. in His own time and His own way, he'll show me happiness in ways i would never expect. i just ask for strength to simply carry on.

i still love muhammad zulkiflie. i just dun think i am still in love with him. let my heart heal. let me enjoy my newborn. let me enjoy friendships which i thought disappeared the moment i became a wife. let me regain my identity as nur arafah. i thank zul for every little thing that he does and did for me. just taking it one day at a time. kinda zombie-ish this arafah dun u think. void of feelings and emotions. :)

and now. i miss my son. i am at amk doing housework. and i miss my son. will put up pics when i start using the digicam.

cepatlar zul balek!!! aku nak dukung2 anak aku!!!

14 dec 2004

from LJ
zul and i are heading for splitsville...

** hope for the best and prepare for the worst. **

ironically, wat zul and i decide to do may not be the worst for the both of us. it may even turn out well for us and our baby. we'll see aye.

we love each other like mad but marriage should not have been on the cards till we are really ready. and no matter how many times we tried, we just couldn't get along. hahaha. well, okay okay... we do / did... at times... and we get on well together at night, in bed or wherever hahaha. (shuddup afaH!)

yeah yeah... in less than a year, zul and i decided to split...

we wish each other all the best and hey, there's always the good times to fall back on.

zul will be by my side in the delivery ward. hey i want the baby to see his daddy tau! yeah and after that we'd head down to get it officially done.

i am depressed but hey, everything happens for a reason. and it is very much a matter of sooner or later for us. of course we want to save our marriage.

and i have my baby boy to think about. (yes, we are expecting a son) and! zul and i have been talking to baby before we sleep. (tak tenteram budak tuh nak tido eh!)

thing is, he realize he wants to do his stuff and marriage is in the way. initially, i wanted to avoid marriage but he wanted to settle down. and now we discover that we should have listened to our heads and hearts. and me? i just cling on like a leech to him at times. hehe.

i will always pray that zul doesn't go back to his old ways and that he doesn't close his big heart to his family (afah, zul and son). cos i know i will never stop loving him and praying for the best for him. :) like, him for me...

"hati aku tak akan tertutup kepada kemungkinan yang kita dapat kembali semula... tetapi kalau satu hari, kau jumpa yang lain, aku bersyukur... aku selalu akan berdoa untuk kebaikan keluarga kita..." -zul-

when you love someone, set them free and be happy for them even if their happiness doesn't involve you...

so the rest of you... see you in march when i deliver okay! pray for me that i have a safe and easy delivery and!! that baby boy is healthy!

and if you are wondering who is to blame... it doesn't matter does it? (tapi memang susah kalau lelaki ego... and perempuan degil...)

i hope this is all pembawaan anak and when it's all over, zul and i will change our mindset. no harm in praying aye.

sometimes zul and i should eat our own advice. haks.

now i shall just try and pretend to be strong but i will cry and rant out when i feel like it. just hope that i could have done more at that time for him. segala kejadian ada hikmahnya... :)

-=2001=-

interesting?
predictable, i say.
forward march!

HAPPY 9 MONTHS UNOFFICIAL TO US.....

was clearing old stuff,

and saw the box with these words on them,

20 January 2001
together for 5 months and 5 days
apart for 2 years
reunited on 4 june 2003
these boxes are to remain unopened as of 8 june 2003

and it got me searching for my old entries.

and i found quite a few.
you see,
i document almost everything.
it may not be objective.
but it is from my point of view of what happened.

so anyway,

after crossposting,
i got the ones on LJ, post-marriage (2004) in,
which is from about 2003.
2001-2002 are somewhere else.

and i got it.

well, for fun's sake,
of laughing at myself,
and seeing how things have changed
and people change
and how life, is just getting better.

Thursday, June 5, 2003
06:14 p.m.

yessah. my baybeh's back. love of ma lyf. k. k. i'm making ya all puke. sorrie. got a new line for his amk house oredi. gonna be activated on saturday. darn. recycled number.

k.k. i will tell ya all... about my first day and second dayw ith him soon.

to azri. sorrie it had to be this way. i should have stopped it before it started. 

***

Friday, June 6, 2003
11:27 p.m.

three nights of talking to him in his kitchen. talking about the future and all. i seriously cannot keep any secrets from him. and so i told him about everything that he should noe. which is exactly... *everything*!! i noe those who know my deepest darkest secrets would say i am crazy... yeah... i am crazy for his acceptance of me. and depsite all that i told him. about how much i've betrayed him. he still said to me... "fah. aku sayang kau tau..." *grins*.

and he has met almost all who he wanna meet. like gaz, bem, sham (and oaki. called who he wanna call. hehe. and yeah. he paid for my cabfare.

when he called upon release... i was like... "hey... i get to hear ur voice!!" not exactly the most romantic things to say to someone u haven't met for two whole farken years. hehe.

we are gonna go out again tmr. the whole day. i told him to go out in the morning. we are gonna see the new flat... combine our letters in one box... seal it up and never to open it ever again...

and then... we are gonna survey for clothes and furniture. yeah. then the next week... we are gonna buy!!! hehehe. jokingly zul invited me to stay at his amk house. though i dunnoe if he was serious anyway. he's cute.

one of his ex-inmates was my childhood friend. yeah. he remembered me. and faji told him smthg like... "arafah dah tunggu kau dua tahun... kalau kau bastard dier... aku jotos seret kau..."... hehehe.

i have disappointed zul and he still is around for me. and yes. i've confirmed it. he's not for me because of "terhutang budi" and i am not hanging on to him pasal "kesian". yeah yeah.

i wanna take this opportunity to thank all of my friends who have helped me in one way or another in keeping me strong and believing in what i was doing. for those who were skeptical and said i deserved better... well... maybe i do... and he definitely does... after what i have done... but hey... we are the sort who would settle for average. i'm happy with him... he's happy with me...

zul: dulu ada satu hamba Allah nie bilang ngan aku... kalau aku api... dia air... stay that way k. aku tanak get into too many misunderstandings ngan kau.

me: aku malas ah nak gaduh atau cari gaduh ngan kau. *grins* nah... aku sayang kau tau.

and he told me he sucks at "pujuk pompuan" and that was enuff to make me laugh.

***

Thursday, June 12, 2003
11:02 a.m.

i noe i have not been all fair to him and others. but life. u have to go on. move on. never stop and look back only to be depressed. look back to learn.

zul: aku kat dlm... tak pikir2 pasal kau. kecuali dalam doa2 aku.
me: apa kau doa?
zul: ya Allah. lindungilah perhubungan aku dengan nur arafah. aku amat menyayanginya.
me: hmm. that's sweet.

on the day of his kenduri. i went to amk central with him. sat at a coffeeshop and i talked. and ended up crying. crying. not wailing. and he pulled my chair closer to him, put his arms around me and told me to cry to him. "aku nak jadi tempat kau mengadu fah... apa2 yang kau kena... aku rasa jugak. jangan sembunyi2 apa2 dari aku." (and i nvr. more like i can't...)

my mind is still not functioning well. so i can't relate in order of things. adelphi site removed. *fuh*

i have been spending so much time with zul. i am loving it soo much. he asked if he had changed. and both of us seemed to be fearful of the same thing: that we will not be able to adapt to each other. guess we guessed wrong. not saying that we didn't change. i guess i am morally declining but he... is still the guy i am madly in love with. for one, he's caring more about things around him. we have always been vocal to each other and have always told each other stuff... so not much change there.

i will never stop feeling bad. but i should be delighted that he still can accept me after all that i have done. "i have always prepared myself for the worst but what i got was unthinkable... i am able to forgive but i won't be able to forget. not yet. not now. aku sayang kau tau."

zul and i were talking about my june pay. and we were budgeting with our fingers. mine actually. took out all ten fingers and closed them one by one. and over the phone, he wrote down all our expenses (starting from our july pay): bills, transport money, food money, duit pasar, duit jamming etc etc. the smile that was etched on my face was stuck all throughout the conversation. his pay would be used for the bills. speaking of which, he's holding on to my handphone. so yeah. i can call him at night! (mental note: top up zul's mom hp). if we can start saving this month.. we would be having 1.4k by the end of this year. but he wanna start nxt mth. so... yeah. i can budget my handphone. cos i realized that my friends dun contact me much anyway. and yea zul's frenz call him thru me. so i am charging zul for my secretarial work. hehehe. answering calls and taking down messages. hehe.

i know... why da hell are we combining our finances? yes. we are planning to get married. no. wait. we wanna get married. but we are not testing it out by living together and all that cohabitate shite. no uh. wanna die ah. and i am sure even if we do finally get settled down.. we will still keep our courting days alive.

on another conversation... at his corridor and void deck etc etc...

zul: afah. kau jgn hisap rokok eh. aku nak tapis aku nyer minum. kalau datang harinya aku diamkan kalau kau minum atau hisap rokok, itu tanda aku dah tak kisah tau...
me: tapi zul. nie mendadak sak. tapi aku boleh cuba.
zul: fah... five years down the road fah...
me: wat's happening in five years? *grinning like a goondu*
zul: tsk...
me: takda zul. aku tanak pasal kehidupan aku kau pressure tau. memang aku nak ngan kau. tapi... aku rasa... untuk hal tu, aku tak ready...
zul: (threw his head back, covered his face) shit.
afah: (and so i noe, he really is ready...) well. put it this way. i wanna say i am ready but i dun wanna seem too eager. and so i'll say it this way. i will be ready when you are ready...
zul: kau dah sedia nak kluar dari rumah kau?
me: in the right way zul. not running away.
zul: yeah. the right way. so... dun be surprise if it's lesser than five years okay.
me: please dun pressure yourself. i still have patience. (thought to myself: zul, kau dapat terima aku sekarang, aku dah happy.)

and even after that conversation, i am not gonna rush him. why should i. we have all our time in the world. almost.

***

and look how far i have gone :)

why do i bother paying for his bills? siao arh.
but all's well that ended, not so well,
but life is indeed,
turning out oh-so-fine.

we have grown apart at the word "sah!"
and it mattered back then,
no more now.
eyes have always been at the door.

and with his child in tow,
i only have one thing left to do,

bring up my son,
to be the best gentleman ever.

:)

and the year is coming to an end,
and it could possibly have a great start next year.

i mean,
hey, green day's coming yo!

ikhsan has this habit of being pampered with whatever he wants.
then again he is a kid.
it is usually a reward for what good he has done.
though  reward may not always equate to the good work larh harh.

so aniwae,
my mom brought him out to marsiling.
by train.

he was so excited.
my mom too.

they took the train.
and ikhsan recounted to me
"ikhsan ada card tau. ikhsan pergi yew tee and selang."

which of course made me call my mom.

"mami bawak ikhsan gi mana??"

"oh, marsiling. nak beli beg ben10. abeh kedai tutup."

then to ikhsan,
"MARSILING LARH! SELANG MU!!"

then he laughed.

and my mom told me how he was so smart as to pick his own cds,
("belum sempat aku beri nasihat dek...")
and i told her,
i know.
he goes into a vcd shop,
seessomething familiar and say he wants it.
and he will queue up and pay for it,
using my money, of course.

so, what happened that day was,
he saw a vcd shop.
went in.
saw a ben10 set.
and he took that set.

when i got home,
i saw that it was $39.90
it was a complete season 1-5.
dalam ada 15 vcd.
and then there was another power rangers vcd.
(he has watched cd 1 of each repeatedly. -_-)

so, on sunday night,
he had to stay with his grandma,
cos i had to go changi village hotel the following day,
and in the lift,
i told him,
"ikhsan takmo mintak apa2 dari tok and nenek okay.  don't always buy and buy. say sorry for picking out the expensive vcds."

so, when i took him on monday,
ikhsan said,
"mama, ikhsan nak pergi belikan nasi ayam penyet untuk  mama nih. nenek akta pasal cd, nevermind."

so i asked my mom,
"sapa yang nak nasi ayam nih? adek ke dia? apa yang nevermind?"

then my mom said,
"dia nak kau rasa nasi ayam penyet. abeh dalam kereta, suara sedih2 dia cakap 'nenek, tok, sorry ikhsan buy vcd very expensive...'"

waaaaaaaaah, i was beaaaaming larh sak.
it doesn't matter if he is gonna go picking out and buy things again,
i mean he actually loves those stuff.
i just didn't want him to think that love = presents,
once upon a time he had to be bait out the door with gifts,
and the point is,
he actually remembered what i wanted him to do and he did it.

so aniwae,

my parents told him,
"tak apa... tok, nenek memang nak belikan untuk ikhsan... nevermind..."

:)

and wantomoi?
he just got invited by my dad,
"wan, sunday tak kerja? boleh larh ikut cik gi karaoke. alah, small group jer, suka-suka."

-_______-

and on another note altogether,
wan has this habit fo saying
"sawan per??"

and ikhsan hearing that exclaimed,
"haha! apa sawan? sa-isan!"


i love that boy to bits.

i'm tired. i can't wait for thursday. and i'm sorry, to whoever. i am very lousy i know that.

20-Year-Old Model Daul Kim Is Dead

Wow. So basically one of my favourite models and favourite people has just died. I'm still shocked and trying to process this. I frequent a lot of random blogs and her's is one of them, I read her blog like almost everyday coz I can relate to it alot and she's hilarious and she has very cool weird interests. I love the way she writes. It's kinda broken and disconnected yet it makes perfect sense and then you get this random posts where she reveals what a depressive and perverted person she is among her other loud and opinionated entries and I love that too. I think what I relate to the most are her entries about loneliness and it's like I get this moments of great depression too but there's nothing I can do about it but go on with life and put a smile on my face and pretend things are cool and then I forget that I'm depressed and then like the weather in Singapore, my mood changes and I am sad again. I guess what's inspiring is how I know how she feels and yet she can still do so much in life so when news of her death broke and how rumours are going around that it's a possible suicide, I was shocked and disappointed. It is so freaking random that wow, life can really be random and unexpected and like you really don't know what goes on in someone else's head. And it's like if this could happen to her, it could happen to me too? You could be fine but then no one is free from feeling completely hopeless, and helpless and feeling completely alone and I pray for myself and the people I care about that we'll never crumble under all that emotion up to the point where nothing in this world could lessen that burden.


Daul Kim, you will be missed. T_T

so, ikhsan loves power rangers.
his grandparents bought him a blue and a red ranger on bikes.

he told me he wants a motorbike at 5 years old.
i told him, he ever rode a bike.
so what for wanna do it again.

he asked when.

i said,
when mama masih dengan abah dulu2.
tapi ikhsan dalam perut mama.

few weeks later, ikhsan said.


mama, ikhsan pernah naik motor tau.
tapi ikhsan dalam perut mama.
kenapa mama makan ikhsan?

i can't wait for december to come around.

no news about the bonus and all that shite yet.
but i dunch care.

looking forward to the arrival of some people.

*grins*

if only that other person can make the way too.
*dear god grant this wish*
a perfect end to my year horh.

pernah try ajak fight kalau tak mabuk...?

dia tak boleh...

 

"so who's your new boyfriend?" - mum

HAHA

to say that i don't miss being a whirlwind of "love" (in " " cause i doubt any of wtv was love, but merely stupid crushes) would be a lie. hahaha. but i dnt think i wna make the stupid mistakes again, only hurting myself and doing things i regret. i say im over guys but once again i find myself falling into a hole that was never gone. its not that i dnt enjoy, the attention, the flirting, the crazy sugar rushes, the thrill. but i guess i just gotta learn to hold myself together better this time. and not make the same stupid mistakes. for now my first love will be design and second love, floorball and third, dance!

The semester's almost coming to an end, with it being just two papers and 2 submissions away. Many crazy things have happened this semester. Took on responsibilities. Learnt to be more responsible. Had a crazy stress meltdown. Met new people. Had crushes. Found close friends that im totally grateful for. Got to know the people i already knew (but only as acquaintances before) more. Learnt a great deal in design. Learnt to push myself to do better. All in all this sem has its ups an downs round and round. but it was (: though there are some things that im unsure of.

so now, exams and submissions and calling!